The Map Never Lies
by xx Bewitching x3
Summary: LilyJames. Oneshot. There's a glitch in the Marauder's Map: it now shows conversation! Sirius takes full advantage of it when the boys find James talking to himself. Rated M for language. Read&Review!


_**Disclaimer**__: None of this is mine except the plot. The pick-up lines are courtesy of an internet search; I am only clever enough to make use of them._

**A/N**: Hey ;) This all started because I had a really screwy dream after watching Order of the Phoenix the other night. I decided to write it out, and this is what I came up with. I'm actually pretty pleased with this, as it's the first finished piece of fan fiction I've written in ages. Also, I took a few more giant stabs at humor, and I think the results were decent!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Reviewers get cyber-brownies! -Christine

_**HUGE**_** Thanks**: Definite acknowledgement to DarkRose369, aka Marguerite (my bestie!), for helping me concentrate (or not?), and for giving me the wonderful idea for Lily's entrance into the fic (See! Told you I'd give you credit!). I owe you so much more than this little thank you, but at the moment I can't afford to take you backpacking through Europe! So: this one's just for you, giggling Sirius and all! Much love. XD

* * *

**The Map Never Lies  
**_by xx Bewitching x3_

* * *

Frank Longbottom was not the only seventh year boy in the Gryffindor dormitories, but sometimes he felt like it.

He had been sharing the dorm with four other boys his entire Hogwarts career, but he was surprised to find that he did not know them that well. Yes, they spoke, and spent free time together, but he was always the outsider. He felt he had missed some big secret or inside joke.

Not that it bothered him, of course. At the moment, he couldn't wait to find his girlfriend, Alice, and the only reason he had paused on his way out the door was to listen incredulously to the mad giggling coming from across the room.

"Sirius...?" he asked cautiously. Three of his four other dorm mates were huddled up on a hastily fixed bed in the corner, pouring over some book and trying to hide smiles. Sirius Black, his dark hair falling into his tearing eyes, had put his hand in his mouth to try to impede his laughter. He was failing miserably, making his friends Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew laugh harder. "What's so funny?"

Sirius slammed the book shut, papers jutting out from between the pages, and stopped laughing, though his smile never went away. "Nothing, Frank. We're, uhm, just-"

"Reading a joke book," Remus interrupted, his face a mixture of smirk and wit. "There's a few... 'off-color' jokes, if you know what I mean." His grin turned mischievous.

"That's right!" Peter agreed, startling Sirius with his enthusiasm. He gestured toward the book, flailing his arms with excitement, and nearly smacking his friend in the face. "Funniest thing I've ever read! Would you like to read it?"

Remus's eyes grew, and he snatched the book from Sirius and bashed Peter over the head. He cleared his throat before he spoke, "Peter! Don't be stupid! We're keeping Frank from Alice!" Peter frowned, and then shrugged, and the trio turned back to Frank with eerily innocent gazes.

"Er... All right then. I'll just be going. Have fun." Frank left the room and closed the door, his exit punctuated by a scuffle and more laughing in the bedroom.

He was definitely an outsider, he decided. And suddenly that seemed like a very good thing to be.

---

Back in the dormitory, Remus Lupin had finally stopped berating Peter Pettigrew with pillows and jinxes, and the group had returned to their prior entertainment.

"Joke book," Sirius said with a smirk. He cracked open the book that had been hiding their most prized creation: the Marauder's Map. "Best joke in history, I expect." He pointed to a spot on the Map that displayed the Quidditch Pitch, one dot making laps around the stadium. "Little does he know we can see him talking to himself!" His following laugh burst with child-like glee.

"It was just an accident," Remus corrected, grabbing the Map and unfolding it so they could all see it properly.

Peter practically applauded. "A very happy accident!" He leaned down so his beady eyes could focus on the little zooming dot.

Remus grinned, proud of his handiwork. He had been the one to update the Map with a few charms and some heavy research, and it was all because of Peter. His bumbling friend often forgot the passwords and incantations to their favorite tunnels, so Remus found a way to make the Map remind him by creating a speech bubble with the proper word whenever one was by a passage.

In the process, Remus had inadvertently caused the Map to show bits of conversation. They discovered this just today, when Sirius could not find a certain invisibility cloak. They took out the Map in order to locate the garment's owner, and, when the friends focused hard enough on the man in question, speech bubbles appeared, showing that the fourth and final member of their group was most certainly talking to himself. _A happy accident, indeed_.

"Oh, look, look, he's at it again!" Peter stage-whispered, watching the Map speak for their friend with utmost interest. Remus expectantly turned his attention back to the paper. As if the curtains were drawn at a London theater, the boys grew quiet, ready to enjoy the show.

_Hello Lily_, said the dot that belonged to James Potter.

---

James Potter, Gryffindor Chaser, sailed around the Quidditch pitch after practice, trying to perfect his aim for the following week's game against Ravenclaw. A jinxed quaffle raced towards him as he rounded a corner. He reached out a hand, catching the rogue ball, and leaned into a barrel roll as he turned. A moment later, he sent the ball through the center hoop. He pumped his fist in triumph, brandishing his wand and casting a _Finite Incantatem _towards the ball. It fell to the ground with a satisfying thud.

James, ever the Quidditch enthusiast, practiced a few more defensive moves as he circled the field. He did them effortlessly, enjoying the way his broom reacted to his direction, and the way the wind hit his face. He slipped past a billowing Slytherin streamer, the brilliant emerald stripes reminding him of a certain redheaded and green-eyed witch.

It was only October, but he was sure he had finally earned the friendship of Lily Evans. With the war intensifying with every new day, he found his (supposedly) abrasive spirit mellowing out. There was a fight to be won; how could he spend so much time goofing off and pranking Snape, and gallivanting around Hogwarts during full moons? There was defense to learn, people to protect, and precautions to consider. In light of this sudden display of maturity and humility, Dumbledore had made him Head Boy. And, with such a stroke of luck that James thought someone had slipped him Felix Felicis, Lily was made Head Girl.

Not only _that_, but Alice told Frank and Frank told Remus and Remus told him, that he might actually have a _chance_ with Lily now, if he played his Exploding Snap cards right. She thought him 'charming', if the gossip was to be believed. He could barely believe it. Him? Charming? The very idea had him speeding up his flight, lost in thoughts of how to best approach the Muggleborn witch.

He made three more laps before he realized he was talking to himself.

"Hello, Lily," he started, muttering to no one. "Lovely day, isn't it? You look very nice, you know…"

No, no, no. Too obvious. Too _plain_. Not charming at all. He had to be charming, at the very least. But even as he thought this, he knew he wanted to be more. _But more what?!_

He cleared his throat and tried again. "Lily, I know you're busy, but I was wondering if you would help me with this Potions essay… Maybe we could go to the library…?"

Wrong again. It was a transparent ploy, and he knew it. _Since when do you need help with schoolwork?_ she would ask, and then he'd be grasping at straws to patch his slip ups. No, he had to be smart about it, had to be… suave…

"Hey, Lily," he tried again, this time his voice a little deeper. "Are you using the Confundus charm, or are you just naturally mind blowing?"

_A pick up line? Are you kidding me?! _He could not believe he considered it. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_, he mentally slapped himself. That would just get him cursed by one of the quickest Charms students in the school. He wouldn't mess with her like that, no, of course not. He would just be honest with her; what else could she ask for?

"You know what, Lily? I must need Occlumency, because I can't get you out of my thoughts… Urgh!" _No pick up lines!_ he insisted, letting himself loose a little altitude as punishment. It didn't matter if it was true; it was crude. Another one bubbled past his lips just the same. "I might as well be under the Imperius curse, because I'd do anything for you."

He groaned. "How stupid can a guy _get_?" This time he _really_ slapped himself. "They might as well give me another badge: James Potter, Professional Idiot."

He could only imagine what his fellow Marauders would say if they could hear him now.

---

"No, Prongs!" Sirius was yelling at the Map back in Gryffindor Tower. "You've got to be blunt! Say something like 'You look like you'd be a good Quidditch player. Want to ride my broomstick?'" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively to some imaginary girl as Remus rolled his eyes.

"You'd get slapped, Padfoot. Not worth it."

"How about this: 'I'm not an Animagus but sometimes I can be a _real_ animal.'"

"But you _are_ an Animagus!" Peter interjected.

Sirius shrugged, leaning towards his friend with a conspiratorial whisper: "The girl doesn't have to know that!" Peter laughed uproariously at this, giving Sirius a supreme sense of satisfaction as he turned back to Remus. "Besides, what do you know, Moony? You barely get half the girls I do."

"Some would say that's commendable, you know."

Just then, a knock at the door interrupted their bickering. Sirius once again slammed the book shut over the Map. The door opened, and a shock of auburn hair came into view.

"Are you all decent?" asked Lily Evans, her head poking through the opening, a hand covering her eyes.

"That's up for debate," Remus laughed lightly, standing up and crossing the room. "Come in, come in."

Sirius, feeling extra Marauder-like, chose this moment to pick on his favorite redhead. "Wow. When I said, '_Accio gorgeous_,' I didn't expect it to work. _Excellent_ service."

Lily tiptoed into the messy room and sent her tormentor a narrow-eyed glare. "Very funny, Sirius." She flipped her hair over her shoulder, letting a tentative smile grace her features. "But I'll take that as a compliment."

"Probably the only one you'll ever get out of me," Sirius replied, sarcasm threaded through every syllable. Lily opened her mouth to retort, but turned to Remus instead.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I really do need those notes back. That Herbology essay is due tomorrow, you know…"

"Oh! I'm sorry, I nearly forgot," he said, jogging to his bed and grabbing his school bag off the mattress. "They really did help, Lily. I think I'll get an 'Acceptable' at least."

While he watched his werewolf friend search through his belongings, Sirius started concocting a plan. A brilliant, marvelous, incredible plan. His eyes switched positions, finding Lily glancing about the room and eyeing James's bed for a second too long. It took everything in him to keep from grinning like a mad man; a tiny giggle escaped instead.

Lily whirled, her eyes on him faster than he thought was possible. His expression suddenly mocking, the pair eyed each other suspiciously. After a few painful moments of edgy silence, Lily finally turned away, her forehead creased in skepticism. Sirius giggled again, this time making sure to stay quiet.

Her eyes once again strayed to James's bed, and a blush crept onto her face. _Done deal._

It would work, he knew it would. Maybe they'd even snog. That would certainly be worth Lily's undoubtedly negative reaction. And Sirius would have a chance to blackmail the both of them. A win/win situation if such a thing existed.

"I know they're here somewhere…" Remus was saying. He had to act now, or his chance would be lost to the ages. He leapt off his bed, sending Peter toppling over the side and making Lily jump and arm herself with her wand.

"Remus!" he said, feigning a patronizing tone. "Don't you remember? You lent those notes to James." His hair fell into his eyes as he shook his head. "He took them before he went to practice."

Remus gave him a confused look, luckily out of Lily's sight, and Sirius raised his eyebrows _just_ a bit. Then he clicked his tongue, regarding the girl sadly. "He's so forgetful. He lost my best quill the other day!"

The best way to solidify a lie was to add a touch of truth, he had learned, and the chuckle she gave told him he was succeeding. She lowered her wand and relaxed. "Yeah, I recall. You, erm, 'talked' about it in the Great Hall." This comment almost broke his façade; he'd more or less thrown a fit.

"Exactly!" He turned back to Remus, who still looked baffled, until Sirius discreetly displayed the book in his hands. The Map stuck out at the corners. "The point is James has the notes. Remember now, Remus?"

In the nick of time, comprehension dawned on his friend's face. "That's right," Remus saved, turning to Lily and giving his most authentic grin. "He took them with him, to the pitch."

Lily almost didn't buy it. "How would he study if he was at practice…?"

Peter, bless him, saved Sirius and Remus from their blank minds. "He was going to go to the library afterwards," he spluttered, nodding ferociously. If anyone else had decided to play bobble head, it would have given everything away. But Peter was known for making the most of his moments of inclusion, so Lily only nodded in understanding.

"He's still at the pitch now," Remus checked his watch, not even noting the time in his haste to send Padfoot's plan into action. "You can catch him before curfew if you hurry."

Lily sighed, spinning around and heading towards the door. "All right. Thanks, Remus."

"Anytime."

"And," she added as she edged out of the room, "Maybe you should calm down a bit, Sirius." The Animagus raised his eyebrows, confused. "We can hear your giggling all the way down in the common room." She gave a warm smile before leaving the room, and in her wake, the boys exhaled prolonged sighs of relief.

Unperturbed by the idea of an audience to his laughter, Sirius opened the book again, checking the Map for his friends' locations. Lily was on her way out the portrait hole, and James was still circling the hoops on the pitch. "Perfect," he muttered, taking his wand out of his shirt pocket and aiming at the paper. "_Mischief managed_," he intoned. The Map's lines vanished, and he stuffed the folded parchment in his pocket.

As if on cue, he finally remembered that James hid his cloak at the bottom of his trunk. He found it with ease and turned to his friends. "C'mon boys. This should be fun." His wicked grin was met with excited laughter.

They left the dorm at a run, but not before Sirius stopped and tried out one of his lines on a pretty blonde girl by the fire. "You know Platform 9 and 3/4? Well I know something else with the same exact measurements…"

The red handprint on Sirius's face gave Remus plenty of reason to gloat as they ran across the grounds beneath the cloak, hushing only when they reached the towering stands of the Quidditch pitch.

---

Lily Evans refused to admit it. She would not, could not, ever admit that she was feeling this particular emotion right now. It was irrational, it was girly, and…

It was just silly, that's what.

But even as she incessantly denied it, a tiny part of her brain forced her to acknowledge it: She was downright nervous to talk to James Potter by herself.

_But we're friends now, sort of_, she thought, trying to give herself a pep talk. _He won't bite…_ She didn't understand why she was so nervous to begin with. How many times had she been alone with James, and come out alive?

_The more apt question_, said that same accursed group of brain cells, _is how many times have you been alone with James, and come out blushing?_

The answer made her even _more_ nervous. She'd been blushing a lot around him as of late. She pursed her lips, angry with herself. The bloody _stupid_ things her brain made her do. Thank Merlin no one could hear inside her head.

She found herself inside the pitch, the stands sheltering her from the wind, and looked up. Finding James in the darkening sky was going to be harder than she thought. Should she call for him? Wait in the locker room for him? No, that was a dumb idea…

A quiet voice entered her thoughts, and she turned, seeing James hovering about two stories off the ground and to her left. He seemed to be leaning back on his broom, talking to someone or something.

"…care about you, even though I'm such a prat--"

She frowned, confused. Was he talking to her? How could he _see_ her?!

"--take you on the next Hogsmeade trip? Just as friends, you know…" He let out an audible moan. "No, no… _Clear_ intentions, Potter… Stupid, stupid…" He cleared his throat and spoke again. "Look, I know I've asked you this before, and you said no, but I want you to listen just _once_ more…" He drifted off into a thoughtful state, lazing his way closer to the ground. "Maybe… Might work…"

What on earth was he talking about? Who was he talking to? Her mess of questions was erased when he sighed, dejected. "Lily, Lily, Lily…"

Oh, so he did know she was there. "Hello, James."

With a screech not even her female friends could muster, James rolled over and fell off his broom, clattering to the ground in a heap of Quidditch regalia and broomstick. She gasped; apparently, he did not know she was there. "James!" she shrieked, running across the short expanse of ground between them and falling to his side. "Are you all right?"

His glasses had fallen to the wayside, and his face looked ghostly in the fading light. "James?" she asked again, breathless. Had he hurt himself? Could she carry him all the way to the hospital w--Oh of course she could! She was a witch, wasn't she? She could just levitate him there! She pulled out her wand, and just as she was about to utter the spell, he moaned.

"James?" She felt stupid again, saying his name over and over when she should be asking if he'd hurt himself! _Ask if he broke something, you prat_, she scolded herself. _Ask if he needs Madame Pompfrey! Ask _something_, you bloody fool!_

He beat her to the punch: "Where are my glasses?"

This time her wits were with her. "_Accio glasses!_" They zoomed into her hand, and under inspection, she was pleased to see they had survived the fall. She stuck them on his face hastily, placating his scrambling hands. "Are you okay?" she blurted. "Did you hurt yourself?"

He shoved away her wand, which was about to perform simple medical charms, and brought his hands to his face and limbs, performing his own assessment of damages. She waited, poised to help, and it was tense while she tried to keep an eye on his every movement.

Finally, he rolled over, sitting up and rubbing his head. "I'm fine," he said sternly, holding up a hand as she started to cast another charm. "Pride's a little bruised, is all."

She wasn't sure what made her shout at him, maybe the shock, but all of a sudden, her voice was echoing across the school grounds. "Your _pride?!_ James Potter, you could've broken a leg! Gotten a concussion! The way you're rubbing your head I think you must have one! Scared the daylights out of me, you ruddy arse!" Somehow she had the audacity to shove him, her own indignation unlocking her Gryffindor bravery and shunning her nerves.

"Hello to you, too," he mumbled, rubbing his shoulder, as a small smile played at his lips. The smirk only egged her on.

"What in Merlin's name were you doing up there, anyway?" she continued, reaching to the side to pick up his broom and thrusting it into his hands. "Just floating up there like some sort of… airhead!" She rolled her eyes. "And talking to yourself? I mean _really--_" The new look on his face made her stop. A mixture of shock, embarrassment, disbelief… What was wrong _now_?

"You--" James cleared his throat, a new strangled expression on his face. "You heard me talking? T--to myself?"

"Yes. Does it matter?"

His eyes left hers, scrambling to stand up, and almost falling like a common drunk. She stood as well, lending a hand to balance him, which he reluctantly took as his vertigo subsided. "That would depend on what you heard," he finally replied. His hand was exceedingly warm.

"Well, I--" Now she was blushing again, recalling the words. She was grateful the sun had finally set, hiding her face. "Something about Hogsmeade, and… clear intentions." She winced as he bit his lip, clearly embarrassed. "And, you, uhm, said my name, I think."

His free hand ran haphazardly through his hair. "Forget bruised," he sighed. "Whatever pride I had left just flew out the window." It was as offhand a comment as he could make under the circumstances, so she chose to ignore it, gripping his hand as he teetered precariously on the spot.

_He was talking about you_. Her thoughts were running rampant. _He was talking about asking you_ _out! _The blush on her face was twice as red, and her nerves came creeping back like garden gnomes.

She could admit at least this much: she liked him. A lot more than she ever thought she would. The thought of him liking her enough to _practice_ asking her out sent her mind racing, and her heartbeat was harder to track than a Snitch. He stopped swaying, but their hands stayed locked.

James's cough interrupted the silence, and when she met his gaze, she could tell what he was about to do. Their hands fell apart, and she was surprised to find she missed the heat.

He was scrambling for words, it was all over his face, but she made no move to comfort him. Everything was all out of whack lately. She used to loath him, but now she couldn't wait to see his face, or hear his jokes. Something had changed, and while it scared her to pieces, she wanted it to go further. She suddenly wanted more.

He had to say it, for the both of them, before everything got too strange for even the wizarding world. The irony was not lost on her: Lily Evans _wanted_ James Potter to ask her out.

Her own girlishness almost made her laugh. _Fate must think it's _so_ funny..._

---

James looked like a fish. His mouth opened and closed several times, searching for the proper wording, but he supposed the fall had knocked them out of his head. He had to ask her now, while he had the nerve, but he couldn't remember a single thing he had been thinking.

Suddenly, Lily smiled, encouraging him, and all the gossip he'd been hearing was instantly vindicated. She _did_ want him to ask her! Her smile said it all, and in his euphoria, he forgot what he'd been trying to do in the first place.

He blurted the first words that came to mind: "Your smile's like Expelliarmus: simple but disarming."

Wait. What?

"Yes, James, I--" She paused, a frown marring her features. "I beg your pardon?"

James was a fish again, floundering, trying to get his head in the game. _Think, Potter, think!_

"Are you calling me simple?" Lily asked, confused, and for a second James hated every female on the planet. What was it with women and jumping to conclusions?!

"No! I just--I meant--" He sighed heavily, wishing he could transform and run into the Forest. "Just let me start over, please."

Slowly, she nodded, and he took a moment to pull himself together, trying to ignore the foggy thoughts in his head. "What I meant to say is… You're a very lovely person, Lily. And your smile…" He was losing steam already! "Your smile, it--it just brightens up my whole day," he continued earnestly, and her resulting blush sent him into another tailspin of elation. "The thought of you could… could make something vast and silver erupt from my wand!" There, that was romantic, right?

"_What?!_" Lily looked appalled, taking several steps back. "James, if this is your idea of being nice to a girl, I ought to hex you!"

_What did I say?!_ His mind sailed through his words despite the confusion. Vast and silver? Erupt from his _wand_? Merlin's pants! How big of an arse could he be tonight?!

"No, no, I just meant--Lily, I swear I didn't--"

"I think I should go, before you _really_ end up with a broken leg," Lily fumed, stomping towards the exit to the Quidditch pitch, and James was gaping, out of his element, trying _every_ possibility in his head so he could at least make sure she didn't think him _completely_ bonkers--

"Lily! _Wait!_" he shouted, running up to her and catching her wrist. She spun around, and in all the absurdity, he caught the scent of her shampoo. The sudden brush with reality swept away his uncertainty. He could fix this; he just needed to _think_. "I just meant that," he paused, knowing this was his last shot, "If I were going to produce a patronus… you would be my happy thought."

Her eyes met his, full of anger and revulsion… Until they changed. Her face softened, and his breath came out in a giant whoosh. _Mission accomplished!_ He rushed the rest of his words out before he lost them, dropping her hand. "I just need a chance, Lily… Would you go on a date with me?"

The moments between question and answer seemed to go on forever. And then, with a smile bigger than the won he'd worn when Gryffindor had won the Quidditch Cup, she nodded. "Yes. I think I'd like that."

Barely a second later, they were both laughing, relief on their faces like a long-forgotten mask.

Their laughter still hadn't subsided when James paused to ask a very important question: "Lily… Why were you out here in the first place?"

Lily sighed, a ghost of a grin on her lips. "Well, I… I came to get my notes back, of course."

James frowned, resisting the urge to reach for her hand again as new questions formed. "Notes…? What notes?"

---

Sirius stared, perplexed, from his spot beneath the cloak. He and his fellow Marauders were watching the commotion from the stands, the telltale Map still stuffed in his pocket. "Why are they laughing?" he asked, a little upset. "Where's the snogging?" Laughing was not enough to blackmail anybody!

"Lily wouldn't kiss him before they went on a date! Honestly, Pads," Remus said, his eyes shifting from his watch to the scene below. Peter, who had taken to gnawing on his fingernail, nodded in agreement, making Sirius all the more annoyed.

_No snogging?! Why the bloody hell NOT?!?_

Without a second's pause, Sirius whipped the cloak off his head and stood up. "POTTER! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!" he bellowed, before whipping his way down the stairs and onto the field. The whole trip took less than a minute, as he ran full speed to his best friend and classmate.

"Sirius?" James exclaimed, surprised. Lily shrieked, dodging out of the way. All of a sudden, James was on the ground: Sirius had tackled him, sitting on his chest and pinning him down.

His wand out before he could think to use it, Sirius pointed it at James and, in conflict with his foreboding stance, he started pouting.

"WHY aren't you two snogging?!" he asked, an air of insanity lingering on his voice. He didn't care; his plan had failed him. He hadn't even had a chance to get proof of James's earlier slip-up. "And, really, Prongs," he whispered to his fuming friend, "'Vast and silver'? That was a right laugh, but really rather stupid. Did Snivelly slip you a Dumbing Draught?"

"_He's_ the one who sent me down here," Lily said savagely, picking herself off the ground. James looked at Sirius as if he had lost every one of his Bertie Bott's Every-Flavor Beans. Why was everyone looking at him as if _he_ was crazy?

"Sirius!" called a third voice, and everyone turned to see Remus tearing up the pitch. Peter was at his heels, a shimmery silver something being shoved into his cloak's pocket. "Are you mental?!"

"Why does everyone think that?!" Sirius shouted.

James took the opportunity to shove his friend off him, grab his own wand, and jump to stand between a seething Lily and overturned Sirius before another word was spoken. "What," he gasped, catching his breath, "is going on here?"

"It's all _their_ fault!" Lily shouted, her own wand poised to blast. "They tricked me, said you had my Herbology notes, so I came down here to find you--"

Sirius inwardly cursed, then tried to cover up his tracks. "We did no such thing!"

"--and what do I look like? Some sort of snogging harlot?" Lily continued, trying to edge her way around James's frame. Whether he was blocking the way to protect Lily or him, Sirius did not know, but he would take no chances now. He jumped up and found his way between Remus and Peter, ready to cast as many Shield Charms as he might need. "I should've known you were up to something, with all your giggling and whatnot--"

"Giggling?" James asked, frowning.

"Yeah! Stark raving mad when I went up to the dormitory, laughing about nothing at all. Or so I thought!"

Remus bit his lip as he clarified, "There seems to be an… _amusing_ glitch with the, uhm, Map, James."

"What map?" Lily asked, hanging on their every word. James pursed his lips, and Sirius knew the so-called 'glitch' would be gone by Halloween. Everyone was ruining his fun!

When no on answered Lily's question, she continued her previous rant. "Anyway, they must've followed me down here, hoping we'd make prats of ourselves--"

"Is this true?" James asked. His mouth twitched as if he was about to smile. "Well, that's actually sort of clever--"

"_Clever?!_" Lily was shouting again. "What right does he have to meddle in my love life?" James grinned a bit at this remark, and Sirius was sure he didn't have to worry about being hexed by him, at least. "I ought to jinx you senseless, Black!"

"Isn't that a little overkill?" James mumbled, at just the right moment for Lily not to notice. Sirius gave him a narrow-eyed glare. _Traitor_. It only made James chuckle.

Lily, meanwhile, was considering all the different things she was going to do to him, until she finally turned to James and asked, somewhat desperately, "At _least_ let me smack him!"

James paused a moment too long, just long enough for Lily to leap away from his arms and lunge for Sirius, when all of a sudden Remus jumped in the way--

"WELL," he said pointedly, as Lily screeched to a halt. "Look at the time!" He waved his watch arm for all to see. "It's almost curfew!"

"But--"

"No buts, Lily," James said, understanding Remus's prompting, gripping her gently by the shoulders until she finally turned to leave with him.

"But why can't I slap him?" she whined as they walked away, sulking like a child. Remus took this lack of violence as his cue to follow, leaving Sirius to gape at his near brush with death slaps.

James stopped, turning towards Sirius and Peter, and frowned. "Aren't you two coming?"

After a second of excessive blinking, Sirius, who was now rather hungry, took a step forward.

_SLAP!_

Sirius turned on Peter faster than a record player. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS _THAT_ FOR?!" he screamed, putting a hand to the mark on his face with paramount outrage.

Peter gaped, shocked at his own actions. "Well, I, I just…"

"You just WHAT?"

"LILY WANTED YOU SLAPPED, DIDN'T SHE?! DOES IT MATTER WHO DID IT?!" Peter squealed, nearly wetting himself in his persecution.

The girl in question had doubled over, howling with laughter, tears of mirth on her cheeks. "That," she gasped, "was the highlight," another deep breath, "of my _entire_ day."

After coaxing Lily into a walking state, James and Remus led her out of the pitch. Sirius and Peter were alone.

"Oi, Wormtail," said, eyeing Peter's back with relish. His tiny grin was downright evil. Peter only paused on his way towards the exit, too frightened to face his friend. "How about I teach you how to throw a punch? You won't have to keep slapping people like a git." Peter finally turned on his heel, appealing to his friend with a hopeful smile. "Lesson number one… A practical demonstration."

He took one foreboding step forward, and Peter was off in a sprint towards the forest, screaming loud enough to disturb every centaur and monster within.

_My job is done_, Sirius noted, more than pleased. He turned on his heel, thoughts of dinner on his mind. Before long, the shadowy Quidditch pitch was empty.

A lone chuckle echoed across the grounds.

* * *

**A/N 1**: _Yes_, James _is_ a Chaser. Seriously. Check the lexicon, people!

**A/N 2**: If anyone thinks it's implausible that Peter would pick up on Sirius's scheme before Lily, let's all take a moment to remember that he fooled everybody for at least a year or two after he took the Dark Mark. He had to have _some_ talent to hang out with the others!

**A/N 3:** As much as I love writing Lily/James fluff, it really wouldn't have been in Lily's character to snog James right then and there. Not the Lily I envision, anyway. And James really does like her enough to respect her space (or maybe I'm just a sucker for a nice guy, lol). Besides, this gave me reason to show a pouting Sirius, which I find entertaining in its own right.

Hope you enjoyed it ;)


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